In my last post I spoke about how I sometimes suck at making decision, specifically tough ones. It wasn’t until re-reading it (yes, I read my own posts) that I came up with a hypothesis as to why.You’d be surprised how much you learn about yourself through keeping a blog. While I write for my readers, I do write for myself. When I come to you all with a new posts, I put quite a bit of thought into it. I make sure I am discussing topics that are relatable, sharing experiences that can help someone else, and am documenting my growth and transition as a person.
Since my last post, I’ve done some thinking. I acknowledged that I am always in an “analysis paralysis” state and now I needed to try to change that. I have to learn to make decisions and sooner than later. To break this down, I am going to separate analysis from paralysis and explain why they work separately and together to my demise. Okay, that was a little dramatic, but you get what I mean. Hopefully.
Analysis. I am a thinker, by nature. I am not much of a talker, but I will think about every possible angle of a situation in my head, to myself, before making a move. I ask clarifying questions, I re-think everything; it can get intense. In the back of my mind there is always a “what if” that lingers and if there is, I have to answer it through critical thinking. I have to come up with a solution in my head before moving forward. You know all of this from reading my last post so let’s move on.
Paralysis. Here’s where the real problem is. Thinking things through never hurt anyone, right? But it’s how they react afterwards that determines everything. This is where I fail. After thinking about every possible situation, I cannot seem to choose one and stick to it and here’s why: I am not built for rejection. I. Am not. Built. For rejection. There, I said it.
In analyzing a situation, it is inevitable that you’ll find a scenario where the end result is rejection. This is what I try to avoid. In my head, if I don’t try, I don’t have to be afraid to hear “no” or fail. This is something that I’ve grown up with. As a kid, I would be so afraid to ask for things because I was afraid to be rejected. I wouldn’t ask to go certain places with friends because I just knew I would get “no” for answer, I wouldn’t try new things because I was afraid I wouldn’t do good at it, and I certainly did not go above and beyond in anything because I didn’t want to risk not being able to maintain it or succeed.
A recent example of this is at the gym; my new obsession. In the beginning, when asked to use dumbbells for certain exercises, I would always low ball the weight. My trainer would push me to go for 25LBS, I’d try to haggle for 15. If he would tell me to deadlift 60LBs, I would negotiate 50 or 40. I didn’t want to not be able to succeed. (Now I ask the trainer to hand me a heavier weight; #flex.) While this may sound like an insignificant example, that’s where it started. A simple little “I can’t” and “I don’t think I can” spilled over into bigger, more significant things. Know that from this day forward, as part of me finding me and becoming the best person I can be, I will strive to be more confident in my decision making and in my abilities. While, “no” still stings like lotion in my eyes (yes, I know from experience), I will push myself to do more without fearing it.
Do you have a similar experience? I can’t be the only one afraid of rejection, am I? How did you cope? I’d love to know. Lets continue the conversation below and remember to share if you found this helpful.