SZA’s album has been on repeat since the day I got it on a whim a several months ago. I kept hearing about her but didn’t really pay attention to her until I downloaded her album. So, in memory of the tickets to this weekend’s concert that I could not afford it, I was inspired by a SZA song to write this post.Like the many weekends following this drop of her album, these past few days have been SZA kind of days. The vibes, the flow, the lyrics all all relateable in one way or another to me. The absolute last song on the album, 20 Something, is one that stands out to me every time. I never listen to it just once. I can’t listen to it just once. I literally feel that song in my soul every time I hear it.
The end of the year is always a bittersweet time for me and always ends up being a time to reflect. My birthday is the second day of the year, so while everyone is setting up resolutions to propel them into the new year, I’m concerned about the same but 100 times over. Not only do I want it to be a great new year, I’m entering a new age and that comes with a lot of… pressure? Mostly put on me by me. While I’m sure many of you have had great 20-somethings, I’ve been struggling.
How could it be?
20 something, all alone still
Not a thing in my name
Ain’t got nothin’, runnin’ from love
Only know fear
“Only know fear” penetrates my eardrums every time. Honestly, if I did anything all my life it was be afraid. Afraid to try new things, afraid to not do something, afraid to do something, afraid to take the risk, afraid, afraid, afraid. All I know is fear. Fear and comfort… But I don’t want to anymore and I don’t know how not to.
I mean, I’ve made it this far, right? More than halfway but it doesn’t feel like it. I still feel like I’ve graduated high school. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching myself live someone else’s life and I’m not sure how to break through that. Its a very frustrating feeling, especially because time is just-a-chugging on. No one warned me about this. No one.
What do you do when you’re not where you want to be? How do you deal with wanting to move forward but feeling stuck? How can you find yourself and be secure in that forever? Am I even what I think I am?
“Stuck in them 20 somethings”
Part of this is because I am super over analytical of almost everything. Part of this is because I am genuinely a late bloomer. I know, for sure, that I haven’t hit my prime and if I have, I’m fucked because it was absolutely nothing to be proud of.
Everyone makes your 20s seem like this all important time in your life when in reality it’s the most confusing, frustrating, humbling time ever. I know I’m not alone, but that doesn’t make it better, honestly. I don’t even know if there is a real moral or point to this post besides KEEP PUSHING THRU! I’m struggling and I am 100% transparent about that.
“Praying these 20 somethings don’t kill me.”
Realest lyrics ever.